Yes, I hear and I want you to know that my words are for you my love. And they always have been, fully and completely. I guess, and we’ve talked (fought) about this before, there is a part of me that is fundamentally public, for better or for worse, and it’s public about things that most people keep to themselves. My body, insecurity, heartbreak and the reaches of my love for you. I question my desire to share these things all the time—is it a symptom of narcissism, a pandering to the male gaze (in the case of photography), an oversharing attempt at relevance? An autoerotic aesthetic that has gone totally haywire? But fundamentally I stand by it. I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s primal. I stand with Rebecca Solnit I suppose, who said,
“Some women get erased a little at a time, some all at once. Some reappear. Every woman who appears wrestles with the forces that would have her disappear. She struggles with the forces that would tell her story for her, or write her out of the story, the genealogy, the rights of man, the rule of law. The ability to tell your own story, in words or images, is already a victory, already a revolt.”
And you, my love, have always been part of my story. Even before I found you, even before you were flesh to me. I’ve always struggled with lover and muse as one in the same and you know that. I realize it’s out of line and that’s why I like it. It’s hot to me and probably bears a relationship to revenge. But of course, you are you and I want to respect whatever boundary you might have about being in public. And I know too, that for you privacy is sacred—a place where you get to go to see inward and not have to be looked at or hurt in the way so many people have hurt you and looked at you—not to say that you’re retreating, I don’t mean that. I understand it’s more sacred than that, your desire for privacy...So, you tell me where your edge is. As usual, I’ll flirt with it but I promise to leave it intact. You and writing are the two great loves of my life and I will do anything I can to to take care of you both.
Today I go to meet with Ryan Dewey who apparently has a background in lingusitics. A background which I once had but which has rapidly receded into the distant background. I’m almost done with Swing Time, the Zadie Smith book, It’s so masterful it hurts. I mean, she really has managed to write a seemingly personal treatise on global blackness with a story and poetic language that keeps you going. Probably doesn’t hurt that if she quit writing she could always take up modeling. She’s that beautiful. Cleveland Museum with Max Utter tonight.
**It’s all happening**
Had a good conversation with Amelia last night—she went to this wedding overseas and it threw her for a big loop. WEDDINGS. wow. Are we going to do that? It might make my mom so happy she’d die. And honestly, I’ve always looked forward to the part of a wedding where I’d get to dance with my Dad (I know I know, patriarchy, property, gender ew blah blah blah) but he’s a great dancer! And also, I dunno, he was my primary parent and has wanted nothing but safety and happiness for me, even at his own expense my whole life and now I’ve found it. So, I don’t know….thoughts?